Prayerless to powerless

Let this be a reminder for the new year.... More prayer and power walking with Jesus in 2015! 

Prayer: becoming actively aware

Prayer... Is simply a form of waking up out of the dull sleep in which our life has been spent in half-intentions, half-resolutions, half-creations, half-loyalties, and become actively aware of the real character of that which we are and of that which we are over against. It is an opening of drowsy lids. It is a shaking off of grave-clothes. It is a dip into acid. It is a daring to "read the text of the universe in the original." -Douglas Steere 

Picking up the mirror

I was asking the Lord what was on His heart for my fellowship yesterday morning. What I heard was “oneness, unity” and “Let love abound more and more.”

So I prayed for this, waiting to hear confirmation in other people’s prayers or songs or sermon. I ended up being in nursery and helping with coffee, so I missed the prayer time and the sermon and didn’t hear other words of confirmation. Later, someone asked me about an issue that we’ve been talking about for months and is still undecided. I want to be understanding of where they are coming from. But I still don’t see a clear or easy way forward- and the concerns are so circular- “you can move forward, but…” I am just ready to drop it, because I am at this yellow light. Give me a red or a green, but don’t keep me waiting at the yellow light! Please!

Then I was praying this morning, after complaining to my roommate last night about this situation. And the Lord reminded me of my prayer for unity. Then the light bulb goes on…  (thank you, merciful, Lord, patient with those slow of understanding).“Oh, maybe He gave me that Word because I was going to encounter a situation where I needed to let love abound, and myself repent of attitudes and divisive actions that disturb unity. Maybe I needed to forgive and step toward unity and oneness which I was praying toward.”

How like the Lord to give me a burden/Word, which I think is for someone else, and then it’s for me!

Well Hallelujah! I am the messy one, full of brokenness, and yes I need Him! Oh Lord, please forgive me for my frustration and bad attitude and complaining. Please forgive me and free me by Jesus’ blood. Thank you! I rejoice that this situation is happening, and that you are working, and that you are teaching me. You are not distant, but you are hands-on, working, directing, and teaching. Thank you so much. Amen.

God's doings

God will do nothing on earth except in answer to believing prayer. -John Wesley, quoted in James Emery White, The Prayer That God Longs For

Spirit Break Out: A Prayer

photo courtesy of the Loom Project

You are not indifferent to us, no, JESUS you are continually desiring us. Spirit, break out and mark us with grace-oriented lives, born out of experiencing your lavish love and delight in us, You wash us clean by Jesus' blood. You are the Eternal One. All POWER is in you. All power to heal. All power to set free from fear. From sin. Break out freedom in our Identity in Christ, healing, and the power of belonging to you. Our truest friend. We are your people, you are our God. 

This is the "written out prayer" birthed from listening to "Spirit Break Out" and praying for His words to come through me... (and highly influenced by a line about grace that struck me during a sermon about hospitality I listened to). This was almost not read aloud to the congregation this morning-- the fact that it was is worthy of praising him for! I'm so grateful for a man of God willing to respond and insist on discussions, to battle not against another brother, but with them, wrestling, for truth. I'm thankful there are different view points. And grace. This is about grace. I've been meditating on this picture that somehow grace is the key that unlocks the door of rest..... of dwelling in his presence. It is something unearned. Just the image of a key unlocking a door and stepping in is rich for me. I want to live in that place of grace, and want that for my church.  

Here's the extra I didn't read:

We seek Your face on this pilgrimage, Stir up hunger for intimate fellowship, encountering You and being satisfied in you day by day so grace  overflows in blessing others. Not out of duty, not out of guilt. You are the One worthy and jealous for the affections. Break out with encounters so we can't be satisfied in anything less, we can't be distracted. You have made your home in us. You took risk for us, opening all of your heart, let us love and take risks for others. 

And then all this praying overflowed in to prose:

As the Angel of God He visited us

As the Son of Man He dwelt among us
Now (do you hear this) As the Holy Spirit He lives within us
One God, Eternal and Triune!
Oh, how hospitable our God!
He has invited us in. 
He has prepared a meal to sup with us. Forever!

We are his people, he is our God
We are the bride, he is the groom
We are the harlot whom he redeemed
We are the orphan whom he adopted
We are the lost sheep whom he found


How great is your love

I need, I need, I need an encounter with you
and You are breaking through, Jesus.

(This is still true, too-late on this Sunday night. I still need an encounter(s)/continual encountering and you ARE breaking through, Jesus. Amen). 

The meaning behind

I was really touched from this post about the rad musician Tim Coons naming his daughters. I now want to ask the question "why did your parents name you..." Or "why did you name your child..." To my close friends. I think I've heard that my best friend has the middle name "Jo" to recall her dad's southern roots, but I'm not even sure why they hose her first name. That seems like a travesty! There are probably wonderful stories just waiting to be heard...

So read this: http://giantsandpilgrims.com/naming-our-children/ 

Winter in Duluth Skirt (circa 2012)

Their hair is caught in the branches, the wind blew strands upwards and eastwards, strands flailing. Their cheeks redden from the chill, but still there is green.

Green buds on the branches, green gleaming grass.

The worn purple corduroy skirt suits this transition. It carried her though a winter in Duluth, when she couldn’t bear the gray skies and the wind chill. She put on the skirt, right over her long johns, and hiked along Park Street to get to the Humphrey building, to the tunnels. By then she would be warm, and the building’s heat would bring the reverse shock of fogged up glasses and the scramble to remove the layers; scarf and mittens and coat. Through the tunnels, underneath the observatory and the Tweed Museum, she would arrive at the education building, where she had a locker and familiar faces to greet her.

Now it was spring, no need to take the tunnels. The wind still blew, still loosened her curls so that might look like a halo, a wreath, ringing around her dark brow. Cradling her cheeks with yet hint of rose left in them. The wind chill lessoned, but it still blows.

The wind blows where it wishes.

We cannot beckon it, we cannot stop it. During winter in Duluth, we fight it. During the summer, we covet it. The lake wind made this place her home. 

Prayer for a Lost One (circa 2013)

What are you doing, Father?
Just calling this restless one
To your Only Son

Turning this rule tester
Into a righteous law keeper
Lavishing love on one who walks as an enemy!

Father, saturate this lost one
in your light, take away everything until she sees your might!

Your mighty love,
your surpassing peace,
your unceasingly compassion, your loving that won't cease.

She tries to disobey,
in order to drive your love away,
but oh no,
You won't go.

She tries to be satisfied,
by feeding all her sinful desires,
but oh no,
they won't abate.

Drive her to the end of self,
then open her eyes to your wealth!

Amen, in Jesus Name, save ________!!! Bring HOPE AND FAITH where there is discouraging news, there is only good news in heaven! How are you going to use this, Father?? Let us be expectant to see Jesus work. Give mentors joy and wisdom.  Amen.

Context: A friend shared a heart-wrenching story about her "mentee"- she meets with a young lady each week, and sometimes it is frustrating and hard. This poem and prayer was a response to her story. 

I will love them freely

I read Spurgeon "morning" from Morning and Evening this morning, and it pointed me to Hosea 14. A whole chapter of hope after unrelenting anger and grief.

And I cried out in my journal, writing: "Lord, I have so much angst about this crush. Oh Lord. What is your heart? What do you want to say or do?" And He pointed me right to verse 8.  It is I who answer and look after you. I am like an evergreen cypress; from me comes your fruit.

Yes, my God is like a tree whose branches never whither, who is strong and rooted, a shelter, unchanging. Who answers and supplies and cares for. Exactly what I need.  He said more. Wow! My God speaks comforting words to my soul. 

Him: "No. No. Not that crush right now. Rest your eyes on me, stop straining. Christine, I will promote my purposes in you, do not fear."

Me: "Should I try online dating again? Should I do something to help solve this single situation?"

Him: "You don't have the capacity to that now. If you are looking for something to fill the idle unsatisfied part of you, that's not it. Your email isn't it. PRAISE IS. Sing me songs. Write me letters. Praise my name deeply from your heart. In that is rest. I am not silent. I am always speaking. Like the dew comes EVERDAY (I will be like the dew to Israel, verse 5) so I have Rama/mana everyday for you. Why do you rush our time together? What is more important? I will bring an end to you, so that you experience the FULL of ME that you desire. I am satisfied in you, Christine. I am always full of love for you. I chose you. I adopted you. I covenanted my love with you. I promised you to be there, and I will always be there. I will never abandon you. Forsaking is not in my nature. While others have abandoned you, I will not. I will heal you and make your name great and glorify myself. I will manifest my power through you and not depart from our covenant, only stay true to me. Pour out your heart each day, or you will wilt. You will dry up like the pasture and be barren. I am your fruit. Treasure Hosea 14. 

Call on my name! 

Call on my Name!! 

Call on My Name!!! 

Call on me, Christine. Call on me. I am HE." 

Me: "I fear you will not be enough. 

I fear I am undesirable and will never bear fruit. 

I fear I will be alone and forgotten." 

Him:  "Think of my heart, unable to forget, like a nursing mother. Think of my love that burns with passionate desire for my bride. Think of who I am making you. I WILL NOT FORSAKE THE WORK OF MY HANDS. It is my delight! It is my prize! It is my pride and joy! I will not. Is my arm shortened, that it cannot save? Is my soul pinched, that it cannot love? 

I AM.

I AM.

I AM.

I am full of love always, overflowing, with singing, dancing delight for my people who choose me and call on me. You are barren without me. Apart from me you can do nothing. 

I love you.

I love you.

I love you."

I blogged this journal entry to remind myself- this is a real person, this God is a real person who speaks through His Spirit living in me. This is what I believe and want to believe more. Help my unbelief, Lord! Help me hear your voice and share and love out of the overflow, these realities.

un-Exhaustable

As a bird can not exhaust the air in the sky nor a fish exhaust the water in the sea neither can we exhaust the grace of the God.
-Charles Spurgeon

The call on your life

To know your destiny is empowering. The discerning process, however, can be trying. Destiny is less with "this job, this city" and more about "this call, this purpose." Someone shared that the Lord had put Ezra, Nehemiah, and Esther on their heart for me. So I'm taking a look.

Ezra got to help lead the rebuilding of the Temple, after there had been a 70 year exile in Babylon. The ESV Study Bible Notes that stood out to me include:

*"Ezra called the community back to covenant loyalty and thus to obedience to the Mosaic law contained in the Pentateuch" (800). 

*"The pervasive concern. is the need for the community to remain absolutely faithful to the LORD because of the conviction that its very life depends on it. The knowledge that the LORD has already judged his people with a great exile is very present in the author's mind" (801).

*"Allegiance to the LORD demonstrated by due attention to worship"(801).

*"the keynote of worship is joy" (801).

Key ideas for me:

*calling back to covenant loyalty: including encouraging, visioning, acting for a higher purpose, a promise, to be faithful to the LORD and His ways

*absolutely faithful: no room for compromise, for settling, for indifferent or mediocre hearts

*due attention to worship: loyalty and allegiance is demonstrated by caring about worship and rebuilding the Temple. It's not a sentimental thing. It's demonstrative. It's real.

*the keynote of worship is joy. YES! Can I wear that around my neck? Throughout my life I've had people comment (in specifically spiritual situations and in day-to-day life) that JOY is a distinct characteristic in my life. I know I can be child-like (not childish!) as I enjoy little things, and get pretty expressive. Hearing about Ezra's commitment to worship- as a commitment to joy- I'm like "sign me up." Worship- that intentional turning and seeking God's face, coupled with intercession, fasting, weeping... in the midst of this is when I most feel my purpose is being fulfilled and I bask in His Joy. 

Oh Lord, please keep showing me your ways. How you've made me, and what you've made me to do. May it be for the praise of Jesus' Name! "No place I would rather be...than here in your love, here in your love God." 

In the spring

“In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt.” Margaret Atwood

Sought out

Anxious,
laying my life at your feet
to see your eyes,
what expression meets me?

I wait, to see

Loving kindness
patient, tender care
to be sought out
and loved
more than I dared
to hope...
that's how you love me.

Anxious,
yet again,
the troubles of this life weigh heavy
tragedy, devastation, and weeping
who can lift the burdens of this load?

(Only one)
Only the Son of Man
Only the Son of God
Only Jesus

Lord, you give rest to the weary
Lord, you seek out the lost and the lonely
Lord, you carried our griefs and bore our sorrows
Lord, you provide hope for tomorrow

To be sought out
and loved
more than I dared
to know...
that's how you love me...
that's how you love me...
and you love me
and you love me
that's how you love me.

I give it all to you, trusting.

Feeling on one end like I've been cut open and stuffed with straw. Made to be a scare crow, to stand up tall, an emblem. And yet my stuffers were shaming me for being filled with straw. You know, if you are filed with straw you could catch fire. Wouldn't you be happier if you had a different plaid shirt? Here, let me help you. Follow this scare crow list and you'll surely be a success at crow scaring. You volunteered for this position, didn't you?

Yes, the idealist-mediator-scarer not only suggested, but curated and led a brilliant charge-
icy awkwardness, phone checking, crunch, crunch, umm...good guac....the strain was heavier than the air 17 floors up, the coldness between former friends more bitter than the air. Oh, apart from the great reconciler, we are unreconciled, and unwilling. And the "idealistic," "kind," "naive," and yes, single, scarecrow can't help anyone.

"We never need doubt the love of Christ. We have plenty of solid evidence. But there may be times when we might wonder just how much Jesus delights himself in us. It is true that bearing the Father's wrath on the cross was the ultimate test of how immense Christ's love is, but our soul wants to know more. I want to know how passionately, how intensely he feels about me. Did Jesus desire to come to earth? Or was it a matter of fulfilling divine duty? The question is answered in blood. There is a word that marks the love of Christ and that word is, "excessive." His love for you overflows all reason, all expectations, all your HOPES and DREAMS...Christ's love emanates powerful emotion. For him to die for you, is for him to be delighted in you" -Joni Eareckson Tada, God's Precious Love