This. Is. Not. Okay.

I stumbled upon an ironical article on Relevant (9 Quick Ways to Get Depressed). Quite amusing, I chuckled. Until I got to number 6.

"Become a Cynic: Start to believe the following things: people don’t change, life generally sucks and avoiding pain is more important than risking love." -Nicole Uncie

Wait, that sounds a little close to home. 

That sounds a little...like me. 

I never would have put myself in this category. I'm a sanguine optimist! I have a rosy-colored view of the past. I forgive and forget. I have hope in God. Until now, I guess. I look around...

People I love are sick. And suffering. 

People I know are dying.  In hospice. Suffering.

People I respected and cared for are gone. Eternally. Suffering.

It's external, and it's internal.

I am broken. I am hurtful to others: impatient and stubborn and harsh. I think the worst. I judge. I compare. The list goes on. 

And it does, really, suck. And it's not okay. And I can't fix it. 

But I can cry out tonight. Lord, do what only You can do.
-------------------------------------------

I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion
I don't want to find that I am just dry bones
I want to burn with unquenchable fire
deep down inside, see it coming alive 

Help me find my own flame
Help me find my own fire
I want the real thing
I want Your burning Desire

In my heart tonight, do what only you can do
In my heart tonight, do what only you can do

Why wait for tomorrow, when I can have you today?
When I can have the change....

Change me by Your beauty God
Change me by Your beauty God

Help me find my own flame.

-Will Reagan and United Pursuit Band

 

First love

God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love.
-C.S. Lewis

Great Relisher

What I know of spirit is astir
in the world.
The god I have always expected
to appear at the wood's edge, beckoning,
I have always expected to be
a great relisher of this world, its good
grown immortal in his mind.

-Wendell Berry, The Mad Farmer Poems

This path of love

Love,
made on the kitchen table
across with eyes, fountains to
empty pitchers,
lies and jars of pennies.
Such is the family heritage.

I admit, I am one
capable and culpable,
I give up and in
and go.

This pursuit of happiness
in the Driftless region
of agnostic hypocrites
such a harmonious cacophony.
It's electric.

Now I wait for a penman
from the Red Cedar River,

I wait for the Man
of God to enter
again
into this Tapestry
and complete the loose ends fraying
and batten down the hatches blowing
and rescue mind from Satan's plaguing
and until then,
counting it all joy;

He is singing, strumming, loving
over us, over us.

Honestly, my soul.

I heard on the radio that one of the reasons we need to sit and be still and read the Bible is because there are so many voices distracting us, it can be hard to hear what is going on in your soul above the din.
That made sense to me. They gave the example of David, who spoke to his soul "why are you down cast?" He knew his soul was downcast. To know that, you need to listen. I have been trying to listen, and I'm not sure. Are you in a confused state, O Soul? Or are you locked shut by a combination I have forgotten? Or are you quietly speaking, and my hearing has gone dull?

I do know about my thought-life-- and that I have been listening to my thoughts rather than speaking to them... Finding that (once again) listening leads to drifting...and unbelief....such a viscous cycle. So I will pray.  I will pray honestly (I don't desire you God., as I should...I desire marriage and sex and esteem from friends and success at work and comfort much more than you right now). And I will ask for help (to know my soul, and most of all, to know and treasure Jesus much more.)

Some encouragements via blogs and email....


John Piper writes
"I use the acrostic I. O. U. S as I come to the Bible.

I. Incline my hear to your testimonies. Psalm 119:36 (Since my heart is inclined to sleep and to work and to lots of things other than the Bible.)
O. Open my eyes to see wonders in your word. Psalm 119:18 (Since my heart is so often dull and blind to the wonders of the word.)
U. Unite my heart to fear your name. Psalm 86:11 (Since my heart is often divided and distracted in many directions)
S. Satisfy me with your steadfast love. Psalm  90:14 (Since my heart is so tempted to be satisfied in other things."

Dan Porch writes
"Two very strong messages need to rest in our hearts and minds as we walk through this week.  The one is the reality that lustful living leads to unbelief … so fight it! We read from Hebrews 3 around the breakfast table this morning and heard this reminder … you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.  The enemy of our soul is so very crafty.  We begin to long for and lust after the offerings of this world without even realizing it.  And before we know it, we are walking in unbelief.  And an unbelieving heart leads us away from the living God.  It is a spiral downwards.  And so we need to encourage one another in the second strong message given to us on Sunday morning!

We fight lustful living in a delightful and amazing way.  We fight unbelief with worship … not drudgery or duty … but delight!  We remember Paul’s prayer for the Colossian church, and we enter into it … joyfully giving thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.  We worship the Father and are strengthened in our belief … our faith … our confidence that the greatest treasure is not found by sharing in what this world offers, but our greatest treasure is found by sharing in and walking with Christ in this life and the next." 

May God grant me the combination to know my soul, for the purposes of knowing and honoring Him. To worship Him and joyfully fight. Oh Lord, have mercy.

Passion & Need

Vocation is where our greatest passion meets the world’s greatest need.
Frederick Buechner

His eye is on the sparrow

Psalm 40:1-5 Tree of Life

I've been absent from the pen (err, keyboard) and writing and thinking about things on this blog. However I must say it's refreshing to feel the weight of burdens lifting. Next week I'll say goodbye to being a graduate student for good when I defend! It's been such a journey to even consider going to school- and what to study- and where! And to apply, and be accepted, then to make it through it...I haven't pondered it that much because God opened up an incredible job! My unemployment was short and sweet, and I've been pushing to finish up this last step. I'm seeking and praying for His grace next week...and even tomorrow... knowing "his eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me...I can sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm freeeeee...His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me!" (the old spiritual, sung by Abigail Wasburn, play count 45 in Itunes)