grace

sister says: love me.
dad says: love me as i am.


she says: this is a demand.
he says: this is a plea.


daughter, you have been so loved,
when wretched, hopeless, darkened, blind
when disdaining Me, My enemy
when weak and confined


yet in My deep mercy I called you
even then I sought you
with great love with which I loved you.


I loved you. 


your family will fail you.
your friends will disappoint you.
I will never fail.
I will never leave you.
I will always be with you.


Singing....

        Marvelous grace of our loving Lord, 
	grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt! 
	Yonder on Calvary's mount outpoured, 
	there where the blood of the Lamb was spilt. 

	Grace, grace, God's grace, 
	grace that will pardon and cleanse within; 
	grace, grace, God's grace, 
	grace that is greater than all our sin! 

        Sin and despair, like the sea waves cold, 
	threaten the soul with infinite loss; 
	grace that is greater, yes, grace untold, 
	points to the refuge, the mighty cross. 
	(Refrain) 

	Dark is the stain that we cannot hide. 
	What can avail to wash it away? 
	Look! There is flowing a crimson tide, 
	brighter than snow you may be today. 
	(Refrain) 

	Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace, 
	freely bestowed on all who believe! 
	You that are longing to see his face, 
	will you this moment his grace receive? 
	(Refrain)

Call & Response 1

Calamities                   (including the wind)
I am content with them    Everything will be made new, from rubble to wrinkle, stumps to scars
Calamities                   (including dearest friend's departures)
I am content with them                                       And day and night the saints praise him together
Weaknesses                (such as stammering and failure)
I am content with them         It is not words of eloquence, but the cross; foolishness, a blockade 
Weaknesses                (such as lacking a post-grad plan, no job, no PHD, post-doc)
I am content with them                                                                      I am content to wait on the Lord


Some trust in degrees
Some trust in titles
Some trust in 401(k)s
Some trust in wealth
Some trust in 'having just enough' tomorrow
Some trust in physique
Some trust in charm
Some trust in rings
Some trust in good works
I will not trust in ......
I will set my hope in You


I say this with remorse
I say this with apprehension
(I don't say it at all)


Can I hide under the shelter of Your wings? That is where you rest
Can I lay my hand on your solid foundation? I will never change
Can You show me my adoption certificate? Chosen daughter, bought with a price
Can You show me that I am Yours? You are sealed with My Spirit

Love like a...

I'm overflowing now, just typing words right into the night.
The footballers are balling. My to-do list is calling.
The bee-sting is still swelling. Thoughts welling.

Thoughts about new technology,
Androids and iphones,
Always connected, but never really knowing.
Seeing the updates and moving on to the next newsfeed.
Wandering rabbit trails,
It's glued to my hand now, invisa-shield and all.
Is it a time-saver delusion or obvious inefficiency?

I'm still burdened by lists and expectations,
Self-righteous proclamations
And worrying and wondering what others think.
Stop.
Drink.

When you're overflowing, when the words are coming,
they don't have to be perfect, so full of meaning.
A depth beyond believing.

Girl, you are just learning.
Just living.
Just a 27-year-old breathing.
Waking up each day.
And failing.
Not saying the right things / waiting impatiently.
Judging / rehearsing the debt in my head.
And, oh, that uncertain future.
Instead of rehearsing the truth!
Instead of the good news.
Switch.
Repent.

Rehearse, speak, live and believe the Truth.
His hands set you free.
His blood washes you clean.
His love is so full right now, for you, even you.
It's bursting.
It's like a mango dripping down your chin,
as you stand and laugh and bite in again.
It's the warmth of a wool yurt and a fire,
the feeling of being home
and safe
and known.

Food Citizens

Fred Kirchenmann is someone I really respect. I heard him speak once, and I remember re-reading my notes and just being in awe of his prophetic and visionary words about our food system and being food citizens. (If you eat, you're a food citizen!) He just got a fancy award (article here) for his hard work.

He says about the future food system, "This will need to be a food system that functions more like wild nature, which operates on sunlight, and on self-renewing and self-regulating biological synergies. This means that everyone in each local ecosystem - farmers, researchers, politicians, consumers, ordinary people - will need to become engaged as 'food citizens' to design food systems that function well in these new circumstances in each watershed."

Here's another quote from the article: "My father somehow understood that the devastation of the Dust Bowl was not just about the weather, but also about the way farmers farmed, and he was determined that, 'That was never, ever, going to happen to his land again,'" he said. "So he inculcated a land ethic in me at a very young age. Later when I first entered a career in higher education, I was introduced to organic agriculture by a student of mine and based on research he had done, pointed out to me how dramatically soil health could be improved with good organic management practices. That eventually led me to decide to go back to our farm in North Dakota to convert it to an organic farm to restore the biological health of our soils." That's a cool combination of wisdom, values, heritage, all of which he applied through his life.

I want to be like that.

Fred spent time with the lovely Leopold Center and currently runs the Stone Barns Center for Food and Agriculture in Pocantico Hills, N.Y, where I hope he continues to make a big impact on our needy world.

A new call to Trust

Trust Him, that words will come.

Trust Him, every tear is bottled.

Trust Him, that no stroke of the pen is wasted, it is living and active, it will accomplish.

Trust Him, that suffering is building endurance, character, and hope.

Trust Him, when words fail and apologies are needed.

Trust Him, for wrongs of omission and choosing.

Trust is needed

as steps of faith

follow an unseen Shepherd
down a narrow way.

Trust Him,

when Kijabe wind sweeps

dust into crevices [weaknesses]

I'd rather leave untouched.

Trust Him with seeing.

Knowing,

where am I going that lacks your breadth, height, depth?

Amidst itching, grief and confusion,
pity at suffering

and anger at injustice,

You are near.

Humbling critics

Writing a proposal allows me to find out how poorly I write. In an earlier draft I wrote that the “results found that xxx.”

Which made sense to me, in my head…and luckily my adviser and reviewer extraordinaire pointed out “results don’t find. Researchers find or results show.” Of course! Got it. On to another humbling track changes comment! 

(And there is no point in scrutinizing this blog post for good writing, or any of them for that matter! This is a critic free venue! Not that I disdain the critics or the edits. I need them. They just sting. A bit. And was over-achieving, I would grab Peace Like a River and take solace in a quote from Swede about writing and critics to share with you...)

Putting Everything

Most men are not satisfied with the permanent output of their lives. Nothing can wholly satisfy the life of Christ within his followers except the adoption of Christ’s purpose toward the world he came to redeem. Fame, pleasure and riches are but husks and ashes in contrast with the boundless and abiding joy of working with God for the fulfillment of his eternal plans. The men who are putting everything into Christ’s undertaking are getting out of life its sweetest and most priceless
rewards.

J. Campbell White Quoted in When the Darkness Does Not Lift.