Scrungy.
That's how I feel. I detest myself. As I ruminate about a boy. As I evaluate the end-of-year cds I'm going to buy. As I complain in my head. As I crab at my loved ones.
Somethings not right here. The veil has fallen again. I don't see Him rightly. So everything is out of perspective.
So I'll blame the Christmas season, the rush and bustle and expectations, the to-do lists.
Then I wonder about the uncertainties of the future. About a job. About development work. About graduate school.
I wonder what I have accomplished. I wonder if it matters.
I wonder at the meaning of all of this pain and suffering. The assassinations. The hatred. The fear. The terrorism. The hungry. The poor. The prostitutes. The gluttons. The slothful. The consumers. The materialistic. The drunks. The disabled. The dying. The sick. The hospitalized. The weak. The proud.
I don't know what to say. I am all of these ugly things.
But I felt a little relief when I read a friend's blog, about her work in Asia. She drove over 9 hours, across hundreds of miles of switchbacks, to get to the 10-member mountain village. She got there on Christmas Eve and found that she had no means of communicating on her own through the dialects! But she also found that He had made a way, and had made Himself known! Reading about her situation I felt a some relief from despair; Nothing is impossible with God. Indeed. My current funk, my scrungyiness, above all my SIN is not a barricade to Him. He pierced the impossible dividing wall-- He made a way-- with the Cross... This is the only remedy to my despair.
I am driven to despair, but He doesn't leave me there. I end with praise. Amen.
