When I judge, I go up and high above.
I look down on my selfish, frustrated self, jealous and keeled over in pain, so messy and honest and wrong. Discouraged, mosquito-bitten and panting in the heat.
Instead of compassion, I feel disgust. "She's BAD." What a pitiful creature! So pathetic. Ha, I gorwl with contempt.
It's easy, I learned it early. And it even feels so righteous and justified to criticize, it feels right, even while in that pattern I die again and again.
I gain power, I get to be the first one to criticize... then no one else's words and rejection can be as powerful.
I lose so much; this self-rejection that decays my soul, the deep shame that leads only to more pain, a purgatory of torment with little escape.
What a road system, leading to a tunnel with no light. Will I chose to keep entering, beating up myself? Or will I turn around and take flight?
Learn a new language, sounds that will be foreign on my tongue, unpronounceable (at first) until those sounds assemble and create new meaning, new pathways, new patterns of feeling, new ways of dealing?
Will I learn this way of self-love?
