Father, I come to you with a Father's declining.
Fragility... his emaciated, atrophied body
Frailty... how long can he live independently?
Futility... is this decline inevitable?
I have waded into the depths of fear of loss before;
Successively through prediabetes, diabetes, cancer, now loss of mobility, maybe dementia?
Will he rally?
Will this be the end/if (when) he falls without his phone, how long will he lay unseen on the ground?
Fears are so beguiling, so convincing, and following the thread to the end of panic, helplessness and guilt and blame for being a million miles away
I am fragile, too, even as he wavers and shakes
My faith feels so frail and brittle, are you calling me home? What am I even doing here.
Is this futile to hope for redemption?
Is this journal healthy detachment, letting go of a man who has done what he's wanted all his life and is now reaping the consequences for decades of additions; tobacco and alcohol and sugar
Never a non-canned vegetable, never a workout
I still feel sad, his prognosis is grim,
This man who did what he wanted all his life, his arms are being stretched out and strength diffusing, he's going to be taken to a VA where he doesn't want to go...
7/15; 7/25;
